HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

Masculinity-Performance

Do you feel powerful within yourself and connected to your partner?

I’ve had the vantage point to dive under stereotypes and learn deeply about how men feel about themselves and their partners. Just like every person is multi-dimensional, so are men and women.

Masculinity is Sociological

Masculinity, the qualities attributed to a man, is deeply personal, however, your culture influences the content you choose to use to define yourself. Often, when talking about masculinity or femininity, the conversation stays on politics of terminology or value judgements of each side, as if there is a competition, for instance, “You know men are, they ____” or likewise, “Women are all so _____.” 

The conclusions drawn are often simplistic and judgemental, but it’s also understandable. Masculine or feminine doesn’t exist on an island, it’s embedded in the larger historical, political, legal, religious, and economic context. 

I understand why both males and females get reactive about each other’s reactions. You get judged, oppressed and privileged via your societal  gender identification, so, of course, it comes loaded with implications. It’s important to be aware of these embedded within your own identity and that of your partner. In fact, conflict is typically the means you use to get to and unpack these underlying sensitive issues.  

However, the position of having or not having power in our society, is only one part of a person. There’s much more going on deeper inside– feeling wise– but that often doesn’t get addressed.

Masculinity is valuable

In my work, I’ve learned that the masculine identity is often misunderstood, by men and women. You contain rich value that’s not been mined well, instead, overlooked and not translated. I decided to become an advocate for male psychology, not becuase it’s superior, obviously, there are plenty of abusive characters of each gender, but because as a feminist, I believe in equal value and respect for men, women and everything in between. To respect a person, you have to try and understand them from their point of view as the starting point. 

Masculinity is an energy; flexible and creative

Both genders have feminine and masculine traits that you use interchangeably in your daily life. In fact, the terms are a little dated, for instance, the “they” pronoun is very appealing to people as an innovation. There’s lots more openness and interest among many in the continuum of identity and sexuality. 

As a couples counselor, I resonate with those who discuss masculine and feminine “energy.” The masculine energy isn’t gender specific, per say, but one that is associated with protection, outcome, aggression and drive. The feminine energy is associated with senses, being in the body, creativity, communication, and intuition. I know the terms are likely dated and perhaps can’t be divorced from a historical perspective of oppression, but I see how we all need both aspects (whatever label you want to use) to be connected. Both are equal in value. You need the yin and yang and people often feel confident when they have access to all parts of themselves. Sexual attraction is also interlinked to the interplay of masculine and feminine energy.

If you are living in a fixed, one dimensional masculine role, or you’re judging yourself based on that expectation, you may likely feel irritable,  frustrated, fixated on performance issues. You need more feminine energy in your life. Conversely, if you cut off from the masculine energy that’s natural to you because you were told that part is bad, or you inferred it as a kid, or you’ve had some challenges that you perceive to be failures as a man, you may also feel irritable, frustrated, also fixated on performance issues. You need to heal the masculine part of you,  a re-alignment of your yin and yang. This will help you feel relaxed, focused and proud.

Masculinity can be an easy mark for manipulation

Very few guys call me directly asking for help about abuse or mistreatment. It’s been slowly changing, but I’ve learned that masculine types don’t register negative treatment because your brain is wired to assess physical harm as threat. If someone verbally abuses, manipulatives or humiliates, it often goes unperceived by the threat radar. You might say, “It’s not like she/he can hurt me” disregarding the psychological abuse that lingers on and on.

The masculine type of person, man or woman, is wired to not register easily being harmed, or to stay in denial about it, because of the alpha protector, caretaking response in your brain. You can get swindled by a pretty, manipulative person as he/she hacks your masculine brain to “take care,” while you’re being taken advantage of emotionally, financially, psychologically; your protective part of your brain blinded to aggression.

Masculinity is often unspoken, not unfelt

Conversely, if you asked alpha-protector types about deeper feelings of embarrassment with previous break ups, love for your partner, your wish for her approval, your hope about your efforts for others, your feelings about your economic security and your families health, and quietly listen, there’s a lot of feeling inside. You often tear up or, “have allergies” as my husband calls it. Still waters run deep.

You might need to convert language in words that seem comfortable to you. The word feeling changes to “your thoughts on..” or anxiety converts to “what are you stressed about…” or love becomes “do you feel protective of…” or even “how are you?” can become, “how’s business,” but that’s just translation. Once the masculine person is listened to, in the words that feel comfortable, with positive assumptions, your self-reflection and worry for others is usually shared freely.

Masculinity is personal identity, pride and integrity

These deeper feelings get buried easily because many stoic types don’t naturally narrate their internal thoughts. When your partner misunderstands your silence for lack of feeling and judges you negatively, you often agree. Instead of patiently explaining the truth, you shut down or get reactive. 

You’re likely super hard on yourself, needing to prove your worth to yourself to have true self respect. 

Inside, you might feel you failed to please the person you assigned yourself to take care of, whose opinion matters the most. Feeling hurt about being misunderstood and failing someone you love, you often stay silent, not wanting to further reveal vulnerabilities by expressing these weak thoughts. You also assume the partner is correct, and internalize a negative perspective of your own intentions, thoughts and feelings, not stopping to use the misunderstanding as a way to better understand your true self and translate this to your partner.

Love Sex Trust Productions is built upon a deep respect for all forms of masculinity. Growing up, I was completely oblivious to the inner workings of males. My brother and father’s lack of connection and communication, explained away as “how men are,” which truly wasn’t them at all, but in fact, deep depression. I am grateful to have a career where men have opened up, allowing me to appreciate the complexity of the masculine experience. 

You say you aren’t complicated, but you really are. The products are carefully designed incorporating masculinity as a core element, not something added as advice for “what’s good for you.” The idea is to help you be more competent in knowing yourself at a deeper level, which is authentic confidence.

What’s Next for Me?

Your own self knowledge is your most powerful asset in life. Stimulate the conversation with yourself and your loved ones.

Begin by asking yourself:

  • How important are my feelings on this subject to me?
  • Am I being mean to myself?
  • Do I need support?

Read our E-book Love Sex Trust: A Guide

Let it all simmer, until you’re ready for more.

TESTIMONIALS

Add Your Anonymous Input

I reached a point in my marriage where I knew I needed help. I was thinking, feeling and behaving in ways I didn’t recognize anymore. Therapy was infinitely helpful but I also needed something more concrete (and accessible during those frantic late night moments) to hold onto. The ebooks: Separating: Due Diligence, Private Couple Retreats: DIY and Getting What I Want, were a practical tool for initiating meaningful reflection, providing options to consider, and, ultimately, offering direction on how to make movement through a challenging time. Most importantly, these workbooks approached the issues at hand with compassion and understanding while also confronting necessary truths head on. It was a loving invitation to grow up. As a result of accepting that invitation, I’m showing up in my relationship with more clarity, authenticity, and confidence- invaluable gifts in this messy thing called life.

I have been seeing Jennifer for roughly 13 years. My therapy journey started when my husband and I were trying to start a family. Initially, I reached out to her regarding our infertility struggles, but that quickly morphed into dealing with years of trauma from my childhood. Jennifer helped me work through repressed emotions and understand how those experiences and trauma were causing issues with my current life. I continued with therapy through our infertility struggle, grief and then our next chapter building our family through adoption. My husband and I started couples therapy, as well, and her guidance and support helped us work out many of the relationship challenges we all face. Jennifer has been my trusted therapist and confidante for over a decade working through all the ups and downs. She’s helped me set healthy boundaries, build confidence and self esteem, work through parenting struggles and been a wonderful career guide. We have covered so much and I cannot imagine not having her in my life as a guide. She’s empathetic, intuitive, warm, welcoming and one of the best people I know. Jennifer is a bright light; a truly positive guide that helps me steer this wild, beautiful life.

Jennifer has been with me through so many difficult and life-changing transitions. From a troubled relationship, to a divorce to finding love again, Jennifer has supported me in my emotional journey, allowed me to see strength in myself and given me the power to trust in what I want. She has also worked with me through tough job decisions. Always providing a solid sounding board and working with me to find and follow my path. I am so lucky to have found her and deeply value the role she plays in my life.

We really can’t thank you enough. We both feel like for the first time we have actual concrete information for what’s happening to us and the beginnings of a path forward. Because we 100% know we love each other and want to be together, and when we are happy, it’s absolutely incredible!! We’ve got these things in the way that we can’t seem to get around. And now we have more information as to why. We are so ready to do this work.

This book Getting What I Want, and the range of products offered by Love Sex Trust Productions is intended to help you help yourself. For decades, Jennifer has been helping individuals and couples have the life and love they want. She has a wealth of knowledge to share. I’m a Work/Life coach/consultant – I help people recraft their lives so that work is satisfying and is part of an overall satisfying life (worklifenow.com). My orientation is toward the practical. My own training and curiosity have led me to learn from therapists and neuroscientists. I’ve had the good fortune to share many hours of conversation with Jennifer, and am moved by her depth of knowledge and care. One of the passions Jennifer and I share is an interest in opening the tools of therapy up to people so that anyone has access to helping themselves. This book is the first installment. I’ve written a book with a therapist, Sweet Relief From the Everyday Narcissist, and through that process learned how challenging it is for someone who is professionally trained in a certain language and processes to shift into sharing their wisdom with people who do not share the same training and language. It takes a lot of work for a professional to understand what someone might need to know and to think through how they can learn that information without all the classes and hours of study. With this book, Jennifer has created an unusual offering – elements of therapy presented so that you can use it immediately and repeatedly to create the life you want. I assume you stumbled upon this book because you are looking for something, something that will help you change your life in some way. This practical, insightful guide is offered to help you – I hope you find the change you seek.

Thank you Jennifer Jones for the amazing insight , care and compassion to help me during a trying time in my life. Suffering from severe anxiety and depression amidst a pandemic and many major life changes, you helped me find my way back to being me. I was experiencing a lot of worry, sadness, doubt, hopelessness and a mix of other feelings and emotions and you listened and gave me new skills and insight on how to conquer all of those things. I will be forever grateful for you , your kind and caring heart and expertise to teach me how to be in control of my own mind and body to be the best me I can be!

You give me priceless insight from your experiences and your creative thinking lifts me up. The conversations we had, was the first time I felt like, I can DO this! You continue to encourage me and offer great advice. YOU are super, and I am grateful to you.

I am deeply grateful for Jennifer. She was recommended to me through a friend who was really pleased with how much Jennifer had been helping her. At that time, I was in a crisis, feeling completely unstable. Jen’s responsiveness and ability to meet virtually provided some much needed reassurance.

I didn’t realize how fortunate I was to have found my way to her. Her compassion and calming presence were such a comfort. From our very first interactions, she was clearly invested in my healing. I felt safe and trusted her even when the process or outcomes felt more brutal.

I found the abandonment work she recommended particularly useful and invested over 6 months working through it specifically. I’ve continued with other things as my healing progressed and taken new directions but have kept up with the journaling – albeit much more open and integrated than when I started. She has helped me tremendously.

Asking for guidance from someone outside my religion was a big first step for me. I realized for a while I wanted to experience the world more aware than I had been. Jen was patient with me, she listened and was keenly aware of my stealthy ways to hide during a session. Jen finds me and asks me to show up and dig a little deeper and actually feel and not just intellectualize how I feel. Jen and I started working together years ago and I can definitely credit the decision to start therapy and working with Jen as the starting point when my life became more of what I actually wanted.

As a man, and a somewhat prideful one at that, when my wife suggested counseling I was less than thrilled. However, now that we are on the other side of several issues we couldn’t get through on our own, I view counseling and therapy as a life tool I had been missing. Jennifer was unbelievable and was able to break down every problem we were going through and take us to the root of our issues. Our sessions taught me an entirely new way to communicate with not only my wife but all my friends. Obviously I’d recommend Jennifer to anyone; but more than that, I’d recommend therapy to anyone! Especially hard-headed men like me.

Thank you so much! I appreciate it very much and truly you have no idea how helpful it’s been.

Not a Do It Yourself Type?

Private Couples Retreat. No groups, just you, your partner and the therapist.

Based on 20 years of experience, incorporating a straightforward, research oriented model, allowing couples to get away from daily life, and in concentrated blocks of time, resolve sexual, conflict and emotional issues, finding a way forward together or apart.

Creating solutions for happy sexuality and close relationships.

On location or via teleconference.

Learn More