Do you feel powerful within yourself and connected to your partner?

Femininity is Sociological

Femininity, the qualities attributed to a female, is deeply personal, however, your culture influences the content you choose to use to define yourself. Often, when talking about masculinity or femininity, the conversation stays on politics of terminology, or on value judgements of each side, as if there is a competition, “Men are all like _____” “Women are _____.” The conclusions drawn are often simplistic and judgmental, but it’s also understandable. Masculine or feminine doesn’t exist on an island, it’s embedded in the larger historical, political, legal, religious, and economic context.

I understand why both females and males get reactive about each other’s reactions. You get judged, oppressed and privileged via your societal gender identification, so, of course, it comes loaded with implications. It’s important to be aware of these embedded within your own identity and that of your partner. In fact, conflict is typically the means you use to get to and unpack these underlying sensitive issues.

However, the position of having or not having power in our society, is only one part of a person. There’s much more going on deeper inside– feeling wise– but that often doesn’t get addressed.

Feminine power is valuable

Feeling power, having influence in your life, is a vital human need. It’s a foundation for feeling confident. If you don’t have any means of gaining influence in your own life, if you have no status or have been ignored or silenced, you have likely learned indirect means to feel a sense of power.

I’ve been studying direct feminine empowerment and indirect power, which I call latent feminine aggression, for a long time. As a feminist, I believe in equal value and respect for men, women and everything in between. There are abusive men and women alike, and to respect a person, you have to try and understand them from their point of view as the starting point.

In studying female psychology, similar to men, I am an advocate for a deeper conversation around what doesn’t get translated, positive and negative, around feminine power.

Femininity is an energy; flexible and creative

Both genders have feminine and masculine traits that you use interchangeably in your daily life. In fact, the terms are a little dated, for instance, the “they” pronoun is very appealing to people as an innovation. There’s lots more openness and interest among many in the continuum of identity and sexuality.

As a couples counselor, I resonate with those who discuss masculine and feminine “energy.” The feminine energy isn’t gender specific, per say, but one associated with the senses, being in the body, creativity, communication, and intuition. The masculine energy is associated with protection, outcome, aggression and drive. I know the terms are likely outdated and perhaps can’t be divorced from a historical perspective of oppression, but I see how we all need both aspects (whatever label you want to use) to be connected. You need the yin and yang and people often feel confident when they have access to all parts of themselves. Sexual attraction is also interlinked to the interplay of masculine and feminine energy.

If you are living in a fixed, one dimensional feminine role, or you’re judging yourself based on that expectation, you may likely feel irritable, frustrated, fixated on performance issues. You need more masculine energy in your life. Conversely, if you cut off from the feminine energy that’s natural to you because you were told that part is weak or inferior, or you inferred it as a kid, or you’ve had some challenges that you perceive to be failures as a woman, you may also feel irritable, frustrated, also fixated on performance issues. You need to heal the feminine part of you, a re-alignment of your yin and yang. This will help you feel relaxed, focused and proud.

Femininity can be an easy mark for manipulation

If you feel deep empathy for other people, can easily imagine the suffering of others, and have a desire to take away other’s pain, you are likely an empath, very connected to feminine energy. You are quick to contextualize “why” someone is hurt, instead of leading with “He/she is treating me horribly.

You might be more focused on getting help for the person who you feel is hurting, being less able to see how he/she may be presenting their “hurt” as a way to elicit your caretaking response and manipulate you towards their needs. You might further blame yourself that you “fell” for manipulation or “created” the person’s suffering.

The feminine type of person, man or woman, is wired to not register easily being harmed, or to stay in denial about it, because of the alpha protector, caretaking response in your brain. You often get swindled by a pretty, manipulative person as he/she hacks your feminine brain to “take care,” while you’re being taken advantage of emotionally, financially, psychologically; your protective part of your brain blinded to aggression.

Femininity is spoken, and held back

Being female and a counselor, I learn a lot about people by what they assume I believe. Sometimes, they are spot on, but often, they are way off the mark. Feminine types, honestly, I see this as often in males as females, that are well versed in self-help, often assume an authority position in the realm of solving emotional problems within the partnership. 

This position can be super helpful. You embody a strong leader role for your partnership, articulating the problems and hypotheses for why and suggestions for what’s next. You can be clear, balanced, and value your partner’s input. You are also in touch with your anger and need for power, balancing how you present yourself. You’re not playing the hero, displaying your virtue on stage.

Other times, this partner in this position has mixed, usually unconscious intentions around power, and the role you inhabit in telling your couple story isn’t fleshed out. You position yourself as a victim to your partner, but also as subtly superior, demeaning by assuming you’ve got the problem locked down, detailing what your partner needs to fix. You assume I agree. Usually, your partner agrees or is already shut down, deferring to you as an expert.. Or, your partner adopts the same role as superior and victim on the stage of virtue, as soon as the attention shifts.

You may inhabit this victim as a power position for a range of reasons having to do with neglect and criticism growing up, how you learned to gain power and attention, how self aware you are, your level of respect for and compatibility with your partner, possible past mistreatment or other underlying dynamics of the relationship.

If this is pointed out, you might easily shift roles, being more vulnerable and dropping the power position, listening more deeply to your partner’s vulnerability. Or, you might double down on your defensiveness if challenged, adopting more of a victimized role, discrediting the person who offers feedback and instead, retreating to tell your story of victimhood to others who will back up your point of view. This echo chamber of support reaffirms the status of the victim-expert, but doesn’t really help either person unpack their problems or pave the way towards adult masculine or feminine maturity.

Femininity is personal identity, pride and integrity

I’ve learned a lot about how feminine types aren’t asked about anger. Instead of focusing only on sadness, feelings of victimization, which I’m not ignoring or justifying. Feminine anger and power is just as important. 

I ask, “Tell me about being pissed. What are you mad about?“Are you frustrated about taking care of others?” “Do you have enough power?” “Are you in a job, relationship or place in life that feels equal to your abilities, intelligence or talents?”Are you settling?” “Are you sexually frustrated?” 

Shifting the conversation can infuse more energy if you’ve been taught to suppress your need for personal power in the support of caretaking others. Considering your personal power and frustrations around that, often gets the ball rolling to building out your life so it feels more of a match to your potential. You shift from blame and victimization, being frustrated to empowerment, being excited in your life. 

This business is built upon a deep appreciation for the depth of the feminine. Growing up, I was angry about the injustice that was commonplace where I lived. I developed my femininity entrenched in defensiveness, asserting women were powerful and equal. It wasn’t until I got older, had more personal power and life experience, that I was able to advocate and listen. 

Love Sex Trust Productions products are designed to help women, and men, deep dive, learning about how you learned to defend yourself early on, and who you are underneath that, in all of your complexity, in the light and in the shadow, in your power and vulnerability.

It’s fascinating how sometimes we can be so unfamiliar with these fundamental areas of our own selves simply because we never thought to look deeper.

What’s Next for Me?

Your own self knowledge is your most powerful asset in life. Stimulate the conversation with yourself and your loved ones.

Begin by asking yourself:

  • How important are my feelings on this subject to me?
  • Am I being mean to myself?
  • Do I need support?

Read our E-book Love Sex Trust: A Guide

Let it all simmer, until you’re ready for more.


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