HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

Femininity-Performance

Do you feel powerful within yourself and connected to your partner?

Femininity is Sociological

Femininity, the qualities attributed to a female, is deeply personal, however, your culture influences the content you choose to use to define yourself. Often, when talking about masculinity or femininity, the conversation stays on politics of terminology, or on value judgements of each side, as if there is a competition, “Men are all like _____” “Women are _____.” The conclusions drawn are often simplistic and judgmental, but it’s also understandable. Masculine or feminine doesn’t exist on an island, it’s embedded in the larger historical, political, legal, religious, and economic context.

I understand why both females and males get reactive about each other’s reactions. You get judged, oppressed and privileged via your societal gender identification, so, of course, it comes loaded with implications. It’s important to be aware of these embedded within your own identity and that of your partner. In fact, conflict is typically the means you use to get to and unpack these underlying sensitive issues.

However, the position of having or not having power in our society, is only one part of a person. There’s much more going on deeper inside– feeling wise– but that often doesn’t get addressed.

Feminine power is valuable

Feeling power, having influence in your life, is a vital human need. It’s a foundation for feeling confident. If you don’t have any means of gaining influence in your own life, if you have no status or have been ignored or silenced, you have likely learned indirect means to feel a sense of power.

I’ve been studying direct feminine empowerment and indirect power, which I call latent feminine aggression, for a long time. As a feminist, I believe in equal value and respect for men, women and everything in between. There are abusive men and women alike, and to respect a person, you have to try and understand them from their point of view as the starting point.

In studying female psychology, similar to men, I am an advocate for a deeper conversation around what doesn’t get translated, positive and negative, around feminine power.

Femininity is an energy; flexible and creative

Both genders have feminine and masculine traits that you use interchangeably in your daily life. In fact, the terms are a little dated, for instance, the “they” pronoun is very appealing to people as an innovation. There’s lots more openness and interest among many in the continuum of identity and sexuality.

As a couples counselor, I resonate with those who discuss masculine and feminine “energy.” The feminine energy isn’t gender specific, per say, but one associated with the senses, being in the body, creativity, communication, and intuition. The masculine energy is associated with protection, outcome, aggression and drive. I know the terms are likely outdated and perhaps can’t be divorced from a historical perspective of oppression, but I see how we all need both aspects (whatever label you want to use) to be connected. You need the yin and yang and people often feel confident when they have access to all parts of themselves. Sexual attraction is also interlinked to the interplay of masculine and feminine energy.

If you are living in a fixed, one dimensional feminine role, or you’re judging yourself based on that expectation, you may likely feel irritable, frustrated, fixated on performance issues. You need more masculine energy in your life. Conversely, if you cut off from the feminine energy that’s natural to you because you were told that part is weak or inferior, or you inferred it as a kid, or you’ve had some challenges that you perceive to be failures as a woman, you may also feel irritable, frustrated, also fixated on performance issues. You need to heal the feminine part of you, a re-alignment of your yin and yang. This will help you feel relaxed, focused and proud.

Femininity can be an easy mark for manipulation

If you feel deep empathy for other people, can easily imagine the suffering of others, and have a desire to take away other’s pain, you are likely an empath, very connected to feminine energy. You are quick to contextualize “why” someone is hurt, instead of leading with “He/she is treating me horribly.”

You might be more focused on getting help for the person who you feel is hurting, being less able to see how he/she may be presenting their “hurt” as a way to elicit your caretaking response and manipulate you towards their needs. You might further blame yourself that you “fell” for manipulation or “created” the person’s suffering.

The feminine type of person, man or woman, is wired to not register easily being harmed, or to stay in denial about it, because of the alpha protector, caretaking response in your brain. You often get swindled by a pretty, manipulative person as he/she hacks your feminine brain to “take care,” while you’re being taken advantage of emotionally, financially, psychologically; your protective part of your brain blinded to aggression.

Femininity is spoken, and held back

Being female and a counselor, I learn a lot about people by what they assume I believe. Sometimes, they are spot on, but often, they are way off the mark. Feminine types, honestly, I see this as often in males as females, that are well versed in self-help, often assume an authority position in the realm of solving emotional problems within the partnership. 

This position can be super helpful. You embody a strong leader role for your partnership, articulating the problems and hypotheses for why and suggestions for what’s next. You can be clear, balanced, and value your partner’s input. You are also in touch with your anger and need for power, balancing how you present yourself. You’re not playing the hero, displaying your virtue on stage.

Other times, this partner in this position has mixed, usually unconscious intentions around power, and the role you inhabit in telling your couple story isn’t fleshed out. You position yourself as a victim to your partner, but also as subtly superior, demeaning by assuming you’ve got the problem locked down, detailing what your partner needs to fix. You assume I agree. Usually, your partner agrees or is already shut down, deferring to you as an expert.. Or, your partner adopts the same role as superior and victim on the stage of virtue, as soon as the attention shifts.

You may inhabit this victim as a power position for a range of reasons having to do with neglect and criticism growing up, how you learned to gain power and attention, how self aware you are, your level of respect for and compatibility with your partner, possible past mistreatment or other underlying dynamics of the relationship.

If this is pointed out, you might easily shift roles, being more vulnerable and dropping the power position, listening more deeply to your partner’s vulnerability. Or, you might double down on your defensiveness if challenged, adopting more of a victimized role, discrediting the person who offers feedback and instead, retreating to tell your story of victimhood to others who will back up your point of view. This echo chamber of support reaffirms the status of the victim-expert, but doesn’t really help either person unpack their problems or pave the way towards adult masculine or feminine maturity.

Femininity is personal identity, pride and integrity

I’ve learned a lot about how feminine types aren’t asked about anger. Instead of focusing only on sadness, feelings of victimization, which I’m not ignoring or justifying. Feminine anger and power is just as important. 

I ask, “Tell me about being pissed. What are you mad about?” “Are you frustrated about taking care of others?” “Do you have enough power?” “Are you in a job, relationship or place in life that feels equal to your abilities, intelligence or talents?” “Are you settling?” “Are you sexually frustrated?” 

Shifting the conversation can infuse more energy if you’ve been taught to suppress your need for personal power in the support of caretaking others. Considering your personal power and frustrations around that, often gets the ball rolling to building out your life so it feels more of a match to your potential. You shift from blame and victimization, being frustrated to empowerment, being excited in your life. 

This business is built upon a deep appreciation for the depth of the feminine. Growing up, I was angry about the injustice that was commonplace where I lived. I developed my femininity entrenched in defensiveness, asserting women were powerful and equal. It wasn’t until I got older, had more personal power and life experience, that I was able to advocate and listen. 

Love Sex Trust Productions products are designed to help women, and men, deep dive, learning about how you learned to defend yourself early on, and who you are underneath that, in all of your complexity, in the light and in the shadow, in your power and vulnerability.

It’s fascinating how sometimes we can be so unfamiliar with these fundamental areas of our own selves simply because we never thought to look deeper.

What’s Next for Me?

Your own self knowledge is your most powerful asset in life. Stimulate the conversation with yourself and your loved ones.

Begin by asking yourself:

  • How important are my feelings on this subject to me?
  • Am I being mean to myself?
  • Do I need support?

Read our E-book Love Sex Trust: A Guide

Let it all simmer, until you’re ready for more.

TESTIMONIALS

Add Your Anonymous Input

I reached a point in my marriage where I knew I needed help. I was thinking, feeling and behaving in ways I didn’t recognize anymore. Therapy was infinitely helpful but I also needed something more concrete (and accessible during those frantic late night moments) to hold onto. The ebooks: Separating: Due Diligence, Private Couple Retreats: DIY and Getting What I Want, were a practical tool for initiating meaningful reflection, providing options to consider, and, ultimately, offering direction on how to make movement through a challenging time. Most importantly, these workbooks approached the issues at hand with compassion and understanding while also confronting necessary truths head on. It was a loving invitation to grow up. As a result of accepting that invitation, I’m showing up in my relationship with more clarity, authenticity, and confidence- invaluable gifts in this messy thing called life.

I have been seeing Jennifer for roughly 13 years. My therapy journey started when my husband and I were trying to start a family. Initially, I reached out to her regarding our infertility struggles, but that quickly morphed into dealing with years of trauma from my childhood. Jennifer helped me work through repressed emotions and understand how those experiences and trauma were causing issues with my current life. I continued with therapy through our infertility struggle, grief and then our next chapter building our family through adoption. My husband and I started couples therapy, as well, and her guidance and support helped us work out many of the relationship challenges we all face. Jennifer has been my trusted therapist and confidante for over a decade working through all the ups and downs. She’s helped me set healthy boundaries, build confidence and self esteem, work through parenting struggles and been a wonderful career guide. We have covered so much and I cannot imagine not having her in my life as a guide. She’s empathetic, intuitive, warm, welcoming and one of the best people I know. Jennifer is a bright light; a truly positive guide that helps me steer this wild, beautiful life.

Jennifer has been with me through so many difficult and life-changing transitions. From a troubled relationship, to a divorce to finding love again, Jennifer has supported me in my emotional journey, allowed me to see strength in myself and given me the power to trust in what I want. She has also worked with me through tough job decisions. Always providing a solid sounding board and working with me to find and follow my path. I am so lucky to have found her and deeply value the role she plays in my life.

We really can’t thank you enough. We both feel like for the first time we have actual concrete information for what’s happening to us and the beginnings of a path forward. Because we 100% know we love each other and want to be together, and when we are happy, it’s absolutely incredible!! We’ve got these things in the way that we can’t seem to get around. And now we have more information as to why. We are so ready to do this work.

This book Getting What I Want, and the range of products offered by Love Sex Trust Productions is intended to help you help yourself. For decades, Jennifer has been helping individuals and couples have the life and love they want. She has a wealth of knowledge to share. I’m a Work/Life coach/consultant – I help people recraft their lives so that work is satisfying and is part of an overall satisfying life (worklifenow.com). My orientation is toward the practical. My own training and curiosity have led me to learn from therapists and neuroscientists. I’ve had the good fortune to share many hours of conversation with Jennifer, and am moved by her depth of knowledge and care. One of the passions Jennifer and I share is an interest in opening the tools of therapy up to people so that anyone has access to helping themselves. This book is the first installment. I’ve written a book with a therapist, Sweet Relief From the Everyday Narcissist, and through that process learned how challenging it is for someone who is professionally trained in a certain language and processes to shift into sharing their wisdom with people who do not share the same training and language. It takes a lot of work for a professional to understand what someone might need to know and to think through how they can learn that information without all the classes and hours of study. With this book, Jennifer has created an unusual offering – elements of therapy presented so that you can use it immediately and repeatedly to create the life you want. I assume you stumbled upon this book because you are looking for something, something that will help you change your life in some way. This practical, insightful guide is offered to help you – I hope you find the change you seek.

Thank you Jennifer Jones for the amazing insight , care and compassion to help me during a trying time in my life. Suffering from severe anxiety and depression amidst a pandemic and many major life changes, you helped me find my way back to being me. I was experiencing a lot of worry, sadness, doubt, hopelessness and a mix of other feelings and emotions and you listened and gave me new skills and insight on how to conquer all of those things. I will be forever grateful for you , your kind and caring heart and expertise to teach me how to be in control of my own mind and body to be the best me I can be!

You give me priceless insight from your experiences and your creative thinking lifts me up. The conversations we had, was the first time I felt like, I can DO this! You continue to encourage me and offer great advice. YOU are super, and I am grateful to you.

I am deeply grateful for Jennifer. She was recommended to me through a friend who was really pleased with how much Jennifer had been helping her. At that time, I was in a crisis, feeling completely unstable. Jen’s responsiveness and ability to meet virtually provided some much needed reassurance.

I didn’t realize how fortunate I was to have found my way to her. Her compassion and calming presence were such a comfort. From our very first interactions, she was clearly invested in my healing. I felt safe and trusted her even when the process or outcomes felt more brutal.

I found the abandonment work she recommended particularly useful and invested over 6 months working through it specifically. I’ve continued with other things as my healing progressed and taken new directions but have kept up with the journaling – albeit much more open and integrated than when I started. She has helped me tremendously.

Asking for guidance from someone outside my religion was a big first step for me. I realized for a while I wanted to experience the world more aware than I had been. Jen was patient with me, she listened and was keenly aware of my stealthy ways to hide during a session. Jen finds me and asks me to show up and dig a little deeper and actually feel and not just intellectualize how I feel. Jen and I started working together years ago and I can definitely credit the decision to start therapy and working with Jen as the starting point when my life became more of what I actually wanted.

As a man, and a somewhat prideful one at that, when my wife suggested counseling I was less than thrilled. However, now that we are on the other side of several issues we couldn’t get through on our own, I view counseling and therapy as a life tool I had been missing. Jennifer was unbelievable and was able to break down every problem we were going through and take us to the root of our issues. Our sessions taught me an entirely new way to communicate with not only my wife but all my friends. Obviously I’d recommend Jennifer to anyone; but more than that, I’d recommend therapy to anyone! Especially hard-headed men like me.

Thank you so much! I appreciate it very much and truly you have no idea how helpful it’s been.

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